A Holy And Amusing Misguided Guided Meditation

In this time of skyrocketing stress levels, in this time when counting sheep is politically incorrect, there is a chaos harbored in even the most serene monk, waiting to erupt. And, for some others less monk-ish, it is already erupting.

There is a term for this: anxiety. However, other terms may include stress, depression, inherent anger, mental pain, everyday trauma, emotional turmoil, soulache (soul equivalent of heartache), anti-monkism, brain meltdown, Plummeting Blood Disorder, and tear duct dysfunction. If you suffer from any of these, or from any related distresses not included on this list, know your pain has been noted. You are seen™.

I’m just the ordinary guy here to help you cope. I’m here to guide you. I passed a 5-minute crash course online a few minutes ago, so I am prepared for this task ahead of me. Prepared to aid you in conquering your unconquerable checklist of nightmarish invisible ailments that have you in a deadly, most likely fatal chokehold right now. It can be hard to relate to those other more mature, more official, deadpan therapists or yoga instructors you are more familiar with. They use fancy words like Om, while I’m here to give you straight-up facts and holy experiences.

This is a meditation. So get out your yoga mat or your chair or your chainsaw or whatever else helps you relax the best…

Now clear your mind.

Let all thoughts slip from your mind like melting butter on the skin of a hot celebrity. Let silence and peace and weightless donuts that don’t make a sound when you chew filter into the darkness of your atmosphere. (Oh yeah, you should have probably closed your eyes by now.)

Now read this article through fingertip mitosis. Reach out and touch your screen, letting the unknowable wisdom of this article trickle into the depths of your being.

Imagine the metaphorical tangle of branches clearing from your head. Then imagine clouds — poofy clouds, flat clouds, clouds that look like dogs, clouds that look like Arnold Schwarzenegger’s arms. Picture vastness and infinity, expanding and multiplying forever. And don’t think of all your exes left behind. Think of laughing and smiling and dancing and dancing and dancing and moonlight and sunlight and weird, beautiful phenomena transpiring because of the simultaneous occurrence of these two light sources. Think of parties and dancing and dancing and cold glasses of water and the aftereffects of aspirin and yoga moves with funny names like “Goodbye Future Children”.

As you raise your arms to reveal all your armpit sweat to the crowd of now gathering onlookers, tell yourself that you matter. Now tell the crowd to repeat it back to you.

Finally, in the calmness of your head, in the black and white unity of thought, in the still of the uninterpretable language of serenity, make a triangle with your fingertips. Hold it, display it, raise it above your head in victorious celebration!! On second thought… lower your arms. Feel the triumph sinking into your skin, filling you, entering your bloodstream; for you, brave stressed soul, now know another shape of existence. Triangle existence.

“May you never stress again.” — your brilliant spiritual guide, Me.