It’s always a good idea to look into anything that inspires a man, especially one with a voice so deep that it could hollow out a subterranean cavern, to prance in circles in the snow and sing about reindeer with colored noses. This should be obvious. But it isn’t.
Under the fancy guise of a holiday, Christmas has snuck some of the most wildly uncomfortable music into our homes. Before our very ears, these songs promote hypothermia, natural disasters, racist colors, stalking, supernatural violence, intergenerational trauma, and child abandonment, in between sneaky phrases like “Holly Jolly” to distract you.
I mean, have you listened to I’ll Be Home For Christmas? The narcissistic rant of an absent father who is tantalizing his family with the possibility of returning home, ultimately suggesting that a dream of the experience would be an equal blessing that they should be satisfied with.
This must end.
I am stepping out. I will not be silent. I am bearing witness to the horrors that have been sugar-cookie-coated in snowflakes, iconic catchphrases. and overlarge men with stomachs that wobble like jello. This “catchy depravity”, as some may call it (me), will lead to our demise if we do not do something now. In this case, it’s so catchy it makes grown men want to sing about kissing under weeds with poisonous berries.
I have created a list for you so that you can know which songs to look out for. I know it’s disturbing but bear with me:
#1: Winter Wonderland — This terrifying song describes an acid trip that involves talking to snowmen about their marital status. While I’m sure many of us have long been curious about the relational abilities of snow, this is no excuse to take some LSD to find out.
#2: Let it Snow! Let it Snow! Let it Snow! — These lyrics are literally begging for “frightening” weather catastrophes to occur so that the artist can feel more privileged by having a warm house, plenty of food, and a happy marriage. This song should be renamed I’m Rich and I Hope Poor People Die in a Blizzard!
#3: Santa Claus is Comin’ to Town: This song is just plain and simple manipulative parenting. If you can’t get your kids to behave, there are better ways than threatening them with a supernatural stalker who plays the role of God on Judgement Day on an annual basis.
#4: The Christmas Song (Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire): While this song revels in its Christmas themes, it only extends Christmas greetings to one-year-olds up to ninety-two-year-olds leaving out newborns and the last 26 years that an elderly person is capable of living. We have never questioned this before simply because it
rhymed…
#5: Blue Christmas: We always knew Elvis was romantic, but this song exposes his dangerous flirtations with the Avatar aliens. It seems that his breakup went so badly that he couldn’t be the same race as his girlfriend, so he told her he’d be blue without her. This sets a questionable precedent for the younger generation.
#6: Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer — This one really doesn’t need much of an explanation. Because you already know and sing it anyway.
#7: All I Want for Christmas is Ewe: This is a strange entry in Mariah Carey’s repertoire, to say the least, but just because it hits notes that could raise Helen Keller from the grave it does not excuse indecent requests for sheep. Let this blog post be a reminder to keep your feelings for animals to yourself and not turn them into a catchy song.
#8: Run Rudolph Run: Rudolph is commissioned to collect “a little baby doll that can cry, sleep, drink and wet,” and we all know that baby dolls don’t cry, sleep, drink, and wet. So, the question has to be asked… where is Rudolph getting this baby? In whatever way you explain it, the answers only lead to either newborn theft, reindeer babies, a long interview process with surrogate options, or an awkward conversation with the little girl’s parents.
I know you’re probably reading through this list with tears in your eye, your hot cocoa spilled in your lap, and screaming for someone to call 911 because you got a third-degree burn from the 237-degree chocolatey goodness all due to the shock of this blog post, but there is hope!
That is why I’m currently proposing that we replace these old jingles of wicked whimsy with new non-controversial ones, such as Holy Cow, It’s a Christmas Cookie!, Arrest That Non-Magical Fellow on My Neighbor’s Roof!, and No Better Time to Get Overweight Than this Holiday That I Can’t Say the Name Of!
In these dark times of woe, optimism and capitalism are the only things that will keep us afloat, so keep up the good cheer and sell your neighbors overpriced used goods. Remember: Christmas is all about family, fun, and freaking out. So, freak out a little with your family for fun this Christmas season!
Merry Christmas from all of us here at the Witty Fingers Blog (just me)!
[If you would like to see those non-controversial songs in your annual Spotify playlists, please Venmo me one million dollars to cover production costs.]