Pick Up Lines To Change Your Life (And Someone Else’s)

“Love is the magic potion that brings us all together and turns us into bloodthirsty toads wanting nothing more than a purpose involving snatching flies.” — Me

Love is a complicated thing, to say the least. Some talk of love at first sight, others talk of how love is blind. Which makes love a bit of a misleading eyeless oracle-like conceptualized figure. Maybe that’s why we sympathize with it so easily.

Everyone wants love, it’s an innate human want. As if you didn’t know that. The difficult thing is actually finding it. Romantically, that is. It’s simple enough to love a candy bar or a guacamole dip or Shawn Mendes’ hair… I mean, no judgment. But real love?

Despite our best intentions, many of us can never simply find the right person to be with. Romantically, that is. Dates can be elusive as igloos in Death Valley. Even though we try, we scare people off with bad pick up lines, such as “Wanna go on a date with me?” [Warning: Don’t try that at home.]

If you’re reading this, you likely have a lot of emotional turmoil tied to this tissue. Issue. I meant issue. Tissues are totally unrelated. No connection at all. But maybe, you know, you need a tissue right now and this was a timely typo that will remind you to grab one after reading this.

I digress. Love. That’s right. The thing you need most is good, useful pick up lines right now. THAT WILL WORK. You need genuine conversation starters, catchy phrases, icebreakers, and real saucy heart-flutterers. Here I have listed some of my most successful, original pick-up lines. Try them, and experience the magic of sweeping someone off their feet with one heck of a metaphorical broom:

#1: Hey.

#2: Is that a Costco card?

#3: What’s a nice [generic, non-gender specific person] like you doing around here?

#4: Are you legal in California? Because you’re giving me a high that’s controversial.

#5: Are you a trashcan?? Because I want to take you out.

#6: Here’s looking at you, kid. Stop looking at you? Oh ok, well, here’s to looking at you anyway.

#7: Monopoly has three rules: Be the last person with the most money, keep a poker face, and are you free this afternoon?

#8: So, there’s this movie called Dinner At My Place Which Is Located At 67 Main Street Boulevard At 5 PM With Me, wanna watch it with me?

#9: COVID stinks. But you don’t.

#10: I’m pretty cool. You should date me. Or something.

#11: If I was a monk, I would speak in English with you.

#12: Of all the people in the world, you are one of them.

#13: Do you need mouth-to-mouth resuscitation right now for any reason?

#14: If you were a cow, and if I was a cow, would you date me? Okay, now, if you were human…?

#15: Do you believe in love at first sight? Oh. Well. What about second sight?

#16: What’s your Snapchat? What about your Blinktext? Your Whistleconversation? Your claptalk? Your Smoochspeak? I can’t keep up with technology.

Use these absolute gems from the hall of fame wooing class and watch as your love life blooms!! These game-changers will help you tremendously, and you’ll be dating in no time at all.

[Email me if these work, I’d love to know. Asking for a friend…]