Wooing Tips That Will Change Your Life (and Someone Else’s)

When you think of wooing, the first thing you may think of is the sound that pigeons make, and I won’t hold that against you. I’ve been there. If pigeons really did say “woo, woo” to every passerby though, I think the world would be a better place. But this is reality.

While you may be one of those people that dream of love just falling in your lap one day, eventually you will learn that that’s just a recipe for an empty lap. And an empty heart. And probably a peculiar obsession with wiffleball because you relate to the wiffleball… ball. Though, however much you wiffle, you will never learn the true secret of love: it takes wooing work.

Love is hard, back-breaking work, and wooing is the secret sauce. Spread a little bit of woo all over your relationship and you’ll have a delicious plate of Layered Oven-baked Vegan Enchilada (LOVE).

Being almost three months married has cemented my level of expertise in this field, so take it from me that these tips will revolutionize your love life. So much so, that you will probably utter the phrase “Viva La Love Life” at least once after applying any one of these strategies. And don’t just take it from me, take it from my wife: “You’re not allowed to quote me in your blog, Grant.”

Without further ado, behold:

For men:

#1: Don’t tell women that they’re beautiful. Tell them that they “could” be beautiful. Women prefer motivation.

#2: Give women dirt or fertilizer instead of flowers, it communicates a raw and vulnerable love and suggests you want to plant a marriage.

#3: Push her over with a broom. Women like to be swept off their feet.

#4: Be careful about the words you use. Words are the way to a woman’s heart. Many women have reported finding words like “lavender essential oils”, “vast fields of golden grain”, and “L’Oréal Paris Elvive Dream Lengths Air Volume Dry Shampoo” sexy when coming out of their man’s mouth.

#5: Chivalry is not dead! Wear your knight costume to your next date and remember to take her to dinner on horseback while waving the flag of the Crusades.

#6: Stay mysterious. If she asks who you are, remind her you are a stranger and your own mother doesn’t know your name.

#7: While affectionate touch is effective for some women, other women will run away if you even graze their shoulder, so find the middle ground and pretend to touch her.

#8: Dramatically smile and frown frequently so that she knows you feel the full emotional spectrum. Women love empathetic men who feel more than one dark, cold emotion.

#9: Pretend you are French.

#10: Fake your death so that she’ll be forced to realize all the emotions she had for you before it was too late.

For women:

#1: Men don’t take hints, so first let him know plainly, “You’re being wooed.”

#2: Feed him some Costco chicken nuggets. He may propose to you with one of said nuggets on the spot.

#3: Change moods frequently, it will be like falling in love with a new woman over and over again for him.

#4: Pursue him. If he runs away, run faster.

#5: Breathe. Women who breathe are more attractive than women who don’t.

#6: Tell him that his personality makes up for his height. Men want to know that they are seen as they are.

#7: Recite the script of Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back from memory.

#8: Men like to solve problems, so update him with a mystery game night of “I’m Fine” every now and again if your relationship feels too stale.

#9: Pretend you are French.

#10: Many women try to smell like a rose, but this is misguided. Smell like a lawn and no man will be able to resist taking 24/7 care and watch over you.

This may mark the beginning of a new era for you. Just remember that it’s okay to be ashamed of the You you were before reading this article. This is a Present You judgment-free zone. Embrace your new outcomes and embrace the possibility of not having to file bankruptcy because love will solve all your financial problems by replacing them with emotional ones.

If you are farther back than normal and are still getting over your fear of talking to the opposite sex, try starting with the basics and read my article Pick Up Lines to Change Your Life (and Someone Else’s).

Good luck and get wooing!